Nathan and I on his wedding day Photo courtesy of our Dad :) |
Well, the little boy who used to pull my hair, call me
“Twace,” and stand on his bed to launch toys off of his ceiling fan is now a
husband. Love’s joy and mystery were
palpable as I watched my younger brother Nathan get married last weekend in Cincinnati. I had a front row seat to witness the unexpected
tears at the corner of his eyes that mirrored Jenni’s as she stepped into the
aisle with her Dad. It is always a
miracle to watch two people vow to become one body and one soul. And the fact that it was my brother and his
wife plunging into the sacrament was just plain cool. Following the beautiful Mass, we headed to
the reception where we raised our glasses and shook our groove things late into
the night. I mean, we really danced.
Their beaming happiness spilled over and filled my heart with happiness,
too. I wished the day would never end.
At the same time, I’ll admit it: It feels different to go to weddings and
receptions now that I have chosen a path that will not include marriage. Amid all of the joy, there are moments when I
feel a bit sad or perhaps out of place.
I am usually the only future nun among all of the guests at
a celebration that revolves around couples. I’m still getting used to the idea that from
here on out, while most of my friends are married, I will usually be “date-less.”
It feels strange to attend events alone,
because my life is filled with company and community. Although I am not committed to one person
romantically, I am committed to the Sisters and specifically to my five
housemates in a much deeper way than simply sharing a refrigerator. I’d love to have one or some of them with me
to celebrate the important moments in my loved ones’ lives. Anyway, I can certainly hold my own and
manage to have a blast without a date.
It’s not like everyone sits, talks, and dances with only their significant
other. However, sometimes it would be nice to have a built-in travel companion,
conversation buddy, and go-to-dance-partner.
Maybe other single friends can identify with this.
Then, there are the uncomfortable situations that can arise
because although I’m dateless…I’m not
single in the sense of being “on the market.”
You know the moment – the bride shimmies out on the dance floor with her
bouquet in hand, and the DJ spins “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé. Time for the famous bouquet toss. At both my brother’s wedding and a wedding in June, a few well-meaning friends encouraged me to “get out there!” with the single girls because
I’m “not a Sister yet!” I thought to
myself and realized that I really didn’t want to. It’s sort of exciting for me to feel I don’t
belong out there, elbowing people to catch the flowers, because it means that I have already committed my life to a certain direction. I'm not an "eligible bachelorette." I've made a choice, and I’m serious, reverent, and joyful about it, just as I would
be about an engagement.
This inner commitment is not outwardly signified like an engagement is with a ring, and that can make for some interesting
encounters. At the June
wedding, I noticed a young man stealing glances at me from across the dance floor. Later, we ended up in the same conversation
and introduced ourselves. His eyes were
flirty. What do I do here? “Hi, I’m Tracy, and, just to put it out
there, I’m going to be taking a vow of celibacy in a few years.” Not really the conversation to have while
everyone else is doing the Cupid Shuffle around you. So, I let him talk. Although a tad bit intoxicated, he was sweet and well-meaning. He shared how
I had distracted him during the wedding Mass for which I was the vocalist. Apparently, I and my singing voice are both “so
beautiful” that he had watched me the whole time instead of the couple getting married. I’ll be honest; it was
flattering to be called beautiful. That’s not really a daily occurrence in
the life of a future Sister. But I would
never want to give anyone the wrong idea. I sighed, and, awkwardly, I told him
I was going to be a Catholic Sister. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know what that
is. Maybe I should start bringing a
cut-out of Jesus with me to these things.
I never expected to find myself in this life situation. Growing up, I couldn’t wait for my wedding
day. I wondered how it would feel and
who would be waiting for me at the altar.
My bridesmaids would wear light blue dresses, and my Dad and I would
dance to “Butterfly Kisses.” According
to my high school life plan, I would meet the right dude in college. We would marry soon after graduation, and I
would have my first kid at 25. It would
be magical.
Even once in college, looking at it through slightly
more mature eyes and a bit more life experience, marriage still held an element of
magic. I took a Christian Marriage class
at the University of Dayton with my housemates.
We discussed all that goes into the persistent and often not-glamorous
decision that married people must make daily to continue living out that holy “I
do.” This is what makes marriage so
courageous and so stinkin’ beautiful.
I loved everything that I learned and wondered when I would experience
it.
Life after college took some unexpected turns. A few months after my return from Ecuador and well into a process of discerning the religious life, I started dating an incredible, one-in-a-million man. I knew that I desired to live a life of radical service and faith but still wondered if I might be called to do that within a marriage.
If I was, this would be the guy. We shared a deep, Christ-centered, and joyful
relationship. I wanted so badly to feel
called to marry him. I pleaded with God.
But the annoying little nudge toward the religious life that started on the
beach in Ecuador simply would not subside.
Now when I attend weddings, I find myself imagining what our day would have been
like. At Nathan’s wedding, in the parish
where I grew up and with our family around, I could picture it
effortlessly. My heart aches a bit
thinking that through.
There is a huge part of me that still yearns to know what it would feel like. Something that you dream of from childhood on
doesn’t just go away quickly. How elating it must feel to hear
someone say, “I take you as my wife.”
And to be able to say back to them freely and wholeheartedly, “I take
you as my husband. God called me to
enter into this sacramental commitment with you, and I say YES with my whole
life.” That’s powerful stuff. I marveled at the simple splendor of it all
as Jenni and Nathan exchanged vows. It was like peering with fascination at a beautiful artwork through the barrier of glass casing. I can observe it and admire it, but I'll never touch it, feel it, or behold it in its totality.
Nathan and Jenni and the miracle of love Photo courtesy of Aunt Pam Kemme |
I still sometimes resent God that I wasn’t made for that
kind of union. And probably a few nights
a week, I go to bed wondering, "Can I really live my whole life without that
kind of love?" But even in the moments of
wishing and wondering, I feel a quiet certainty and whispered joy that I have
begun walking the path that God has dreamt for me. God’s grace reminds me that my life will be
characterized by different experiences of love. I feel the Spirit saying, “Yes, marriage is incredibly beautiful. But, trust me: I’m calling you to do something else more beautiful than you could ever imagine.” The religious life itself is a treasure characterized by its own sacred magic
and its own courageous day to day re-dedication.
Marriage takes humans into a depth of love as they unite with and
return constantly to one person. Life is a dance in which the married couple seek each other out on the
dance floor and sway together with each song that plays, be it romantic, upbeat, boring, joyful or sad. It is a familiar yet profound love, that
knowing that your spouse will be there, hand extended to you, asking you to "have this dance" every day of life (even on the days neither of you feel like dancing.)
Love experienced in the religious life is talked about exponentially less than romantic love, so I am discovering its richness as I go. The religious life shows us God’s love in a wide and abundant way. It's like how my "datelessness" allowed me to bounce around last Saturday night, dancing and spending quality time with various people. I shared slow dances with my brother, my Dad, my uncles, an old neighbor, my aunt, and a groomsman. I didn't experience the beauty of gazing into the eyes of a romantic partner during the slow songs, but my life gives me the unique gift of looking all around and meeting the gazes of many. I hold dear this openness and availability to freely love countless people and to follow the Spirit where it leads. That is the way my heart was made to give and
receive love.
Dreams of my wedding day are being replaced little by little with exciting
images of the day when I will make vows with the Sisters of Charity, surrounded
by family and friends. A life of great
love is beckoning me to the dance floor! With questioning emotion in my stomach but faith in my heart, I choose
to step up and bust a move.
Celebrating Love. |
Tracy that was a beautiful blog on love. You have a wonderful gift. When Christ extends His hand out to us...we always don't see it. When He extended His hand out to you, you grabbed it, ever so cautiously, and began your dance with Him! Dance on Tracy! Congratulations to Nathan & Jenni! Love you! xo
ReplyDeleteDear Tracy,
ReplyDeleteI don't think we've ever met - I'm a temporary professed Marianist Sister in Dayton. I had heard that a UD grad was in formation with the Charities of Cincinnati, but our paths have not crossed. Thank you for sharing your reflections on your blog. May you be continually blessed in the journey ahead. And maybe some day our paths will cross at a Giving Voice gathering or something (the organization for women religious under 50). Many blessings to you!
Sr. Nicole
Tracy, beautifully written. You are such an inspiration. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI admire your passion, but it seems like someone of your talents could do just as much for the human race if you were married, if not more, since you would likely have one or more offspring who would carry on good work after you "enter the soil."
ReplyDeleteTracy,
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Anonymous here. Your offspring are not the only ones who can carry on your legacy of good work. Everyone who meets your gaze can and will be inspired by you. Any person, not only your hypothetical children, can join you on the dance floor. Your life uncommon exudes love and joy to all.
Love,
K
She could get married (and have children, or not), and everyone who would then meet her gaze could and would be inspired, anyway. Maybe even more so than if she wasn't married. And there are plenty of outlets (probably not the right word) for Christian fervor, passion, and zest--for women and men--that don't include celibacy.
DeleteThank you so much for your comments and insights. You inspired a whole blog post! Please see "So...why do you have to be a Sister?" which I wrote in response to your thoughts. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
DeleteYou are a beautiful person and I am proud to call you my cousin, Tracy Kemme!
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Sarah
Trac,
ReplyDeleteYou know this, but in case you forgot, I feel so blessed to know you and to be journeying with you. I LOVE the image of you with a Jesus cut-out - YES! :) It also brought a smile to my face to envision you dancing through life surrounded by the many Sisters past and present who've paved the way for us and the countless lives they and their witnesses of faith have touched through the years. Sounds like my kind of party! :) Thank you for the joyful love that you are to so many, and save a few dances for me. :)
Love,
Tracey
Hi Tracy,
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't find it too weird that some random person is reading your blog. I somehow managed to click over to your blog from another blog that I follow. As a 26 year old who is discerning RL, this post really hit close to home. Thanks for blogging.
Peace,
Eilis
Tracy - you are awesome. That is all! :)
ReplyDelete<3 Lauren Ruzicka
Incredible. You're a great writer. Thanks so much for posting! Obvious that the Holy Spirit is with you. Keep dancing!
ReplyDelete